My cat Samantha

My cat kills elephants. Not easily, its true, but effectively, for has anyone seen any elephants around our Thamesmead town? No, of course not – Samantha has wreaked her normal, er, um, havoc.

It is easy to dismiss what I say. Go on do it. See? Easy, eh?

But I will tell you that we’re training Samantha to recognise bible-punchers on sight. The aim is for her to go into that eerily frightening “elephant-kill” mode whenever one of that daffy crowd shows a face by our garden gate. For Samantha can, as a neighbour once commented, “put the fear of Christ up you!”

OK, you’re not dismissing what I say now, are you? I know, I know, everyone wants a cat as bright as Samantha. Well of course: everyone wants the place cleaned up of bible-punchers and elephants don’t they, but they’ll have to wait, because we must get this training right.

You see, once we made a mistake, We don’t do that very often, it’s true but once, we did. The lovely black and white puss was to take over guard duty at the local angling club. OK, we didn’t think. Angling? Fish? Pusscat? We just didn’t see the connection – well I didn’t say we were bright, did I?

It was a disaster. Moggie sitting in the morning sunlight, Cheshire-cat grin resplendant, proudly making it plain that no human had passed her feline gaze that night. But she had a very full belly …

The angling club said they didn’t doubt Samantha’s good looks, but what about the empty fishtanks?

So you see, whilst the absence of elephants indicates our training methods are clearly correct, we have got to test her abilities in a wide range of situations. We have asked for volunteers from a whole range of bible-punchers, from the Church of England “we don’t really believe in anything” section, through the elderly “waiting to die and check it out” club, to the raving holy rollers’ ice-pool playing association.

We do anticipate some difficulties. But Samantha’s a wonderful example to us all.

Inside tip – she’s a useless poker player …


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